Jane Doe
by bucaticadinmine
Summary: I looked in his eyes, those beautiful, green eyes, pleading with me, asking something from me that for once I could give him. “Bella. My name is Bella.” He closed his eyes in relief, and I couldn’t take it anymore, and so I jumped.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Stephenie Meyer is the one with the awesome dream. If only all of us could dream of Edward...or Rob...I'm not picky, beggers can't be choosers right? :))**

**A/N Yeah...this is my first attempt at fan fic...or any kind of writting so...be gentle :)**

**I'd like to say that I am sorry if the subject of this story upsets someone. I don't know anyone who has comitted or attempted to comit suicide, and I hope I don't disrespect those of you who have gone through something like that. It is terrible when something like that happens and I really hope I don't offend anyone with the beginning of this story. **

* * *

**Ch. 1 Trust**

**"I know you didn't  
bring me out here to drown  
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down  
barely surviving has become my purpose  
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface"  
**

** Lifehouse - Storm**

I heard a car pull up and I hoped to God it wasn't a police car. The last thing I wanted was one of dad's buddies standing there, pleading with me to get off of that bridge. I knew what I would see there, the look of disappointment, of disapproval on their face. The one that told me that this isn't what my dad wanted for me, that this isn't why he had given up his own life for.

But I didn't care either way. He wasn't here anymore, and I was going to follow him as soon as I could. I didn't deserve to live, that much I was sure of.

To my relief it wasn't a police car. From the corner of my eye I saw a silver car. It didn't look like a Police cruiser so I didn't bother to look and see who had stopped and I didn't find it in me to care why. Whoever it was would leave eventually. Nothing mattered anymore…I won't matter anymore. I'll be gone.

I heard footsteps and then, again from the corner of my eye, I saw two legs going over the railing and the owner of the shiny car sat down next to me. I risked a glance and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Never in my entire life had I seen such a beautiful man. The first thing that struck me about his features was his eyes. They were a jade green color and they were staring anxiously at me.

Everything about this man seemed to be about color. Where I was as plain as I could be, brown hair, brown eyes set in a boring pale face, there was nothing plain about him. It was like he screamed of life, where I was dead or soon to be anyway. After the striking color of his eyes I noticed his hair. It had a strange bronze color and it was standing every which way like he had run his hand through it one too many times. He seemed colorful. There was no way to put it. Just those two colors, that of his eyes and the one of his hair contrasted so beautifully that, were my heart not already mangled, it would have broken a little just at the sight of him. The rest, his lips, his cheeks, and his jaw…God that jaw line could cut through steel I was sure of that, were perfect for lack of a better word.

I stopped staring realizing it was rude of me and I wondered why in hell that was important anyway.

That man, in all his rights could have been an angel. But how could he be? People like me didn't go to heaven. I looked back down to the black water waiting to take all my sorrows away, to make sure it was still there, that I didn't take the jump already.

The angel must have misinterpreted my glance and so he spoke in this velvety voice trying to capture my attention. The anxiety I saw in his eyes was evident in his voice as he spoke. "Hey." He waited for my answer which never came.

I wish I could tell him to get in his car and go back home, to not even bother. Then a thought struck me. What if he was here for the same reason as me and the thought was gone as soon as it came. Why would a God-like creature like him want to commit suicide? What could possibly go wrong in his life to make him go to this extent?

I turned my head and looked at his car. It was a Volvo, so safety was on his mind. I looked back at him. Designer clothes so he was a rich boy-angel-man-whatever. He had it going for him, I concluded. No, he wasn't here for the same reason that I was.

Then what was he doing here?

"You got a name?" He asked, obviously undeterred by my first lack of response.

I figured I could at least make his effort worthwhile in some measure so I answered as I chuckled. "Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?"

He furrowed his brows. "Well, what is it?"

I smirked at him and said "Jane."

"Like Madonna or is there a second name?"

I figured this was coming so I answered as serious as I could. "It's Doe. Jane Doe." And after a few minutes I started laughing. He probably thought I was crazy. Hell, I probably had lost it somewhere along the way.

He smiled at my smart-ass answer and it kind of took my breath away. He was really, really beautiful.

We just stood there, me trying not to ogle him and he was just deep in thought. I figured I should spare him so I said. "Look, I don't want to be presumptuous, but if you're here to stop me from doing this, then you are wasting your time. I appreciate the effort though."

"You are presumptuous. I just stopped to look at the water. It's where I come to think. You have stolen my spot, but tonight I'm feeling generous so I'll share. And for the record, I don't know what you think I want to stop you from doing."

I looked at him and a faint blush covered my cheeks. How could I have possibly thought that the man was here to try and save me? He wasn't an angel; and there wasn't a person in this world that would ever save me again. There had been only one who would have. And he was gone because he had done just that. I sighed and stared back down. I just wish he would go away so I could just go on with it. But he was still there and apparently he had asked me a question that I had missed, lost in thought as I was. "Excuse me, what?"

"I asked did you walk all the way over here? It's kind of far away from the city."

"Uh, yeah. I needed to think." I couldn't tell him that my truck had been impounded and all my belongings taken away from me.

"Will you need a ride back, when you're done with uh…whatever it is you're doing here?"

I stared again at him. He seemed serious, but I knew he couldn't have been oblivious to what was going on here. He seemed to know perfectly well when he crossed that railing. And he seemed to know every time he would get anxious when I looked down wistfully at the water. But his question made me laugh again, in spite of myself. I didn't know how to answer. How to tell him there is no going back. I had no one and no where to go back to. So I just stopped thinking about it and gave him a somewhat truthful answer. "Uh, no. I'm not going back."

He looked at me with apprehension in his green eyes. "I'm going for a swim." Except I didn't know how to swim, but I guess that was perfect given the circumstance.

He gave up the pretense as well then. "Can I ask you why you're doing this?"

"Of course you can. I just don't know if you'll actually get an answer." I smiled because I was being a smartass again.

He asked another question then. "How can you be so calm about this?" There was no judgment n his eyes or voice, just curiosity.

"What is there to be stressed about? You just do it. No consequences no nothing. I jump and then it's all over." I answered as I dangled my legs back and forth. "And then it all goes away" I muttered further.

He raised an eyebrow questioningly and looked at the water skeptically. "I beg to differ. I never heard of anyone dying instantly from jumping in the water."

"Yeah okay, it's not that easy. But it is easier this way." And my tone changed from one of calm and indifference, to one of sadness, all of the feelings that I bottled down since my father's death re-emerging with my next words. "At least then I'll know why I can't breathe, instead of walking around gasping for air. Air that never comes, that will never come. That I don't deserve" It was surreal standing here discussing my death with a total stranger. Suicide shouldn't be so complicated. I shouldn't explain my motives. It was supposed to be easy. Shit or get off the pot, that sort of thing.

He tried to make sense of the vagueness of my answer. And when he didn't he asked me the question he was actually interested in. "Why are you doing this…uh, Jane?" And there was a look in his eyes. Not pity, or judgment, just plain curiosity and something more. Understanding, like he could actually understand a 20 something girl trying to jump off a bridge?

But I didn't answer. I just shook my head smiling at him. In all fairness I did tell him he might not get his answer. I didn't know what came over me, or why I cared, but I asked him a question. "What are _you_ doing here?"

He cocked an eyebrow so I rolled my eyes at him and rephrased my question. "I mean, do you actually come here to think? Or were you just telling me that?"

He looked away when he answered. "I used to. I uh, realized something of great significance one night many years ago, standing here, and I come back from time to time to make sense of things."

"How did you get here in the first place?"

"In my car. Unlike you, I hate long walks." He answered and then threw me a crooked grin. It was the most perfect 'not-perfect smile' in the world.

Now who was being a smartass? "I figured as much. I was referring to that night. What brought you here?"

"Oh…uh" he stammered, probably not expecting that one question. "I was driving around; looking for a place to uh…think" he threw me a sideways glance when he said that "and this place seemed kind of perfect."

I wondered what he was hiding, but I realized that for all the things I didn't tell him, I didn't deserve to know. It was not my business and I shouldn't care anyway. Where was this sudden interest coming from? I should tell him to go, so I could get this over with. But somehow I couldn't tell him to leave. I wanted to hear him speak some more. For him to ask me some more questions. This was the most time I had spent with anyone in who knows how long. But wasn't it kind of stupid? Why make a connection if I'll be dead by tomorrow anyway?

"What's your name?" I asked, feeling like I needed to level the playing field if I'm still going to actually have a conversation with the guy.

He flashed that crooked grin at me again and I blushed. Apparently I was also attracted to him now. Something was seriously wrong with me.

"John." He answered and then he chuckled. "Doe. John Doe is the name."

"Fair enough" I smiled. "But you know? Negotiators should be honest in order to get their victims to cooperate."

"Yup, but I'm not negotiating anything now, am I? And you don't look like a victim." He added that last part thoughtful. He looked into my eyes and asked me in a smooth low voice leaning towards me conspiratorially. "You want to know what I think?"

I couldn't look away when I answered, his eyes holding my gaze there, entrapping me. "What you think about what?"

"About you. Why you're here."

I didn't know if I wanted to or not so I just shrugged.

He took it as a yes. "I think you don't really want to do this. I think you're not entirely sure. You see this as an easy way out, but you haven't thought it through. You can't do it. You're heart is not in it so to speak."

He continued to stare at me waiting to see my reaction. I felt anger rising to the surface, something I hadn't felt in so long and I wanted to erase that smug, condescending look off of his face. How dare he question my motives?

"You don't know anything about me, my reason to do this, or if I want to do this or not! You don't get to come here and make small talk with me and act like you now fuck all about anything!" I yelled at him and he flinched, obviously not expecting this from me. "You know what? Get the fuck out of here and out of my face!" I said, forgetting all about my not being able to let him leave "Or I swear I will fucking jump right now in front of your eyes and I don't want to die feeling fucking guilty about another fucking thing!" I never swore this much in my life, but it felt kind of liberating.

He seemed really frightened now as he watched me with cautious eyes and hands up in the air looking like someone approaching a dangerous animal. His eyes kept drifting between my eyes and the ledge of the bridge and I realized I was standing now and that sometime during my speech I got closer to the edge.

"Calm down, please! I didn't mean to upset you. Look…I'm sorry, I really am! I didn't claim to know anything about you but just think about it. How long have you been standing here?" _I can't remember. Why does it matter? _"If you would really want this you would be long dead by now, the fact alone that you are having this conversation with me should tell you something." _It means nothing; I just don't want to kill myself under someone's watch…Right? NO! Why is he making me doubt this? _I felt even angrier now.

"Can you? Fuck…Jane" he seemed really frustrated by the fact that he didn't know my real name, but I for one, was grateful. It would make him all the more convincing, hearing my name roll of his tongue "Can you just sit back down? Please?" His voice was strained and he was still measuring the distance between my feet and the edge. He actually seemed sorry, but I was too wound up by now to sit.

"I'll stand." I answered simply so he stood too. I got really nervous then so I told him. "Don't try anything funny uh, John. I swear I'll take you down with me" Another person to die because of me…what's one more right? When you're already going to hell…

He blanched for a second, and I wondered if it was because of my comment or if my inner monologue had slipped past my lips, but before I could make anything of it he said "Edward. My name is Edward." Apparently he was going to negotiate with me after all.

"Look, just…just hear me out for a second please!" He looked pleadingly at me, and so I took a cautious step back. Edward – his name fit him, it was outdated, but my angel seemed to have an ancient wisdom reflected in his eyes – relaxed infinitesimally and continued. "Just take a rain check. Let me take you out to dinner or coffee or something. We'll talk for a bit, and if you don't change your mind, I'll bring you back. Hell I'll push you myself if you want me to."

I had to laugh then, at his insistence and his comment.

"A rain check, really Edward?" his name came to me so easily it was as if I had spoken it every day of my life. "You can't take a rain check on death! And how do I know you will bring me back? You'll just take me to a hospital and have me committed."

He was looking me straight in the eyes, hypnotizing me yet again when he said "You can take a rain check when it is of your own doing."

I didn't get what he meant until I saw that he was rolling up his sleeves and revealed the jagged scars on his wrists. I gasped as he continued talking. I felt his stare but I was not able to look back from his wrists. "You'll just have to trust me on this one. Can you do that for me?"

I wanted to say yes. God, how I did! And I could. I could give him every part of me that he wanted. I wouldn't take anything with me when I would die, would I? And he showed me something of him that was so personal. I could give him at least that, trust. But instead I said "You can't save me, Edward. Stop trying. Go home. I'm sorry you had to make my acquaintance".

"Give me one reason why I should. One perfectly good reason why I should turn my back on you and go home tonight thinking that I let you die." He said and he took one step closer to me.

I started to panic "Edward stay away! I don't want to do this to you!" But did he actually care about that? I mean he obviously tried to kill himself once…maybe my assumptions were wrong before. Maybe we weren't so different after all. What if he didn't have the courage to do it again, and was trying to pin it on me. Did he want me to kill him?

"One reason…Jane" and he clenched his teeth saying my 'name'. It must really bother him. "Or else I'm jumping with you" and he took another step forward. _What?!_

"Edward…I'm begging you, stay away!" I felt wetness on my cheeks and I realized I started crying at some point…I hadn't cried since before my life as I knew it ended. I didn't even cry at my father's funeral.

It was as if he didn't even hear my pleas. He took another step towards me, and I started to walk backwards towards the edge. I got angry again. I was supposed to do this on my own terms. Not as a reaction to Edward. I guess he was not an angel after all. Maybe he was the devil himself. Coming personally to make sure I went straight to hell. I guess you do make it high up on the Devil's list when you kill the two most important people in your life.

"Edward, I swear to fucking God -" I didn't get to finish what I wanted to say because he interrupted me. "Just tell me your name." And he stopped. He stopped where he was and he even took half a step back, glancing nervously at the edge again. I was very close to it now. It would be so simple. I would just take two steps back and that was it. "If you tell me your name I will turn around I promise. Don't you think I deserve at least that? To know the name of the girl I could have saved from drowning?"

And I started sobbing then. Because wasn't it fucking ironic? That I almost died in a fire and now I was going to kill myself by drowning? I looked in his eyes, those beautiful, green eyes, pleading with me, asking something from me that for once I could give him. "Bella. My name is Bella." He closed his eyes in relief, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I jumped.

* * *

**A/N I intend to continue this, as long as someone thinks it's worth it. So let me know what you think, if you stumble upon this.**

**Laura :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Stephenie Meyer is the one with the awesome dream. If only all of us could dream of Edward...or Rob...I'm not picky, beggars can't be choosers right? :))**

**A/N Okay so this has some EPOV hope you like where I'm going with this story…thanks for the reviews and one special thanks to ****Silver Angeliss for giving me the name of the awesome song quoted at the beginning of the chapter. There's a link to it on my profile, go listen. It's amazing…it's like the first chapter put to music.**

**I'd like to say that I am sorry if the subject of this story upsets someone. I don't know anyone who has committed or attempted to commit suicide, and I hope I don't disrespect those of you who have gone through something like that. It is terrible when something like that happens and I really hope I don't offend anyone with the beginning of this story. **

**Ch. 2 Penance**

**"Trust me girl  
I know your legs are pleading to leap  
But I offer you this easy choice  
Instead of dying, living with me**

**Settle precious, I know what you're going through  
Cause ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too."**

**Spill canvas - Self conclusion**

EPOV

"Bella. My name is Bella" I closed my eyes and sighed in relief, but when I opened my eyes…she was gone. "NO!!!!!" I screamed. And before I had a second thought I jumped.

* * *

When I woke up this morning, I felt uneasy for some reason. I turned off the alarm and stared at the ceiling for a while. September the 13th. No. No reason to feel anxious because of the date. I usually got these feelings as I drew close to the day that Jasper found me…_Stop! Stop thinking about that! _I shut my eyes closed tight and exhaled. I needed to get out of this fucking bed or else I would start thinking again and that usually wasn't good.

I went about my morning rituals as usual, bathroom, breakfast at the kitchen counter, morning call to my mom and dad, then off to work. I worked at a small bookshop in town, surrounded by other people's thoughts rather than my own.

The day passed by uneventful, but that goddamned feeling was still there, like something was about to go to shit any time now. And I couldn't very well have that, now could I? I had worked too hard these last five years to put my life back together.

I quickly shook my head to disperse the thoughts and walked back in the storage room to arrange some more fucking books or something to occupy my thoughts with. I was a little OCD, I admit. But focusing on the order of things, and arranging them alphabetically or by year of appearance or by any fucking criteria whatsoever, worked by keeping other thoughts at bay.

Thoughts I hadn't had in a very long time, but chose to appear this morning. I knew what this meant. I was going to have to call my sister. I loved Alice with all my heart. God knows she was the only one who kept bringing me back, the prodigal son that I was, but she scared me sometimes. She knew things. Not like she was smart, although she was. We Cullens tended to be pretty smart mother fuckers, but she just had these feelings. She knew when things were going to happen. Don't ask me why or how. I got headaches just thinking about it.

I sat down in an armchair in the back of the storage room and called my little sister. She picked up after the first ring. Apparently she had been expecting my call. Why did it surprise me? "Hey, dear brother!" She greeted me in her sing-song voice.

"Hi, Alice!"

"Why are you calling?" This took me by surprise. "Uh…I was hoping you would know."

"Oh?" I could sense her whole demeanor changed, knowing there was something off about me. "Why? What happened?"

"Nothing, really. I just have one of those weird days again."

"Oh well, you want to come over for dinner? Talk about it?" Dinner? Hmm that sounded pretty good actually. The last time I had a cooked meal was about three weeks ago at my parents' house. I survived on takeout. I couldn't boil an egg to save my life.

"Sure. What time should I come over?"

"What time do you get off work?"

"It's 4 now, so in about an hour." I said while glancing at my watch. I turned my hand and looked at the edges of the scars hidden by the straps of the watch. I didn't even register Alice's words as she said I should come over by six and saying goodbye until after the phone went dead. What the hell was wrong with me today?

When the clock rolled around five I got my stuff and headed for the door bumping into Lauren as I wasn't watching were I was going. Truth be told I would probably still have bumped into her. The girl had a sick pleasure of getting in my way. No matter how many times I refused her advances, she never took a hint.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Edward," she purred my name and fluttered her fake eyelashes at me "I should just watch where I'm going, I'm so clumsy!" she giggled and I thought I could puke. This girl was plastic. She might have been beautiful…underneath all that make-up and in some normal clothes. But I guess no one will find out. In my mind I figured it would take too long to get through all the fake crap she would package herself in to get to actual girl beneath all that. Lauren was going for the sexy librarian fantasy, but she looked like one of the centerfolds from those cheap porn magazines. "No problem, Lauren," I smiled a tight smile and she still swooned. I had to refrain from rolling my eyes at her. "See you tomorrow." I left before she could ask for a ride or to go out for drinks or whatever she would come up with today. She just didn't get that I couldn't and wouldn't date. Not after what happened. I really needed to get to Alice's place fast.

* * *

Dinner at Alice's had been nice. Comfortable as it always was with her. Having the calming presence of Jasper here too, actually helped with that fucking feeling that by the end of the day seemed to intensify.

Jasper was my best friend in college and had remained to this day. _That _day certainly brought us closer. And although I was pretty pissed at first when I realized something was going on between him and Alice, I was actually happy for them. I knew that if I ever failed Alice again he would be there to clean up my mess and make her happy as he had after my disastrous attempt at…

"Edward? Hello!" Alice called.

"Huh? What?" I asked, suddenly pulled out of my thoughts.

"We lost you there for a second." Alice laughed, but I was suddenly reminded by another time when someone else spoke those words in another circumstance and I shuddered. I recovered quickly. I didn't want to ruin the night for my sister. "Sorry," I smiled sheepishly "I was uh…thinking."

"S'okay, I understand" And I knew she did, because that's how we were. We understood each other no matter what.

"So…" she drawled out and I knew I would finally get an answer about today. "About that feeling of yours?" I simply nodded, because I felt really anxious all of a sudden. "I think you should go to the bridge today." I froze. No way. She didn't even have to say which bridge. I already knew. "Why?" I asked my voice all raspy and strained and shit.

"I don't really know Edward." Not know? Now I was really getting panicked. Alice _always_ knew. "Calm down Edward." She said as she put her tiny hands around my neck pulling me into a hug and stopping me from going into a full blown panic attack. Why would she _want_ me to go there? "Shh. It's okay Edward. It really will be okay." I pulled back to look at her. She was looking into my eyes, but seeing something else entirely. Some 'place' else. I looked at Jasper asking him for help. He put his hands around Alice's tiny waist and getting her off of me.

"Baby? Come back to us." And with those words she blinked and was her usual chipper self. Because Jasper did that, he was her anchor, keeping her grounded and as Alice always brought me home, Jasper brought Alice back.

Alice looked at me and said "I have a good feeling about this Edward. Just promise me you'll be careful, okay?"

Again I just nodded. "If you don't mind, I'll be going home now. I guess I have some uh, thinking to do."

We said our goodbyes, I thanked them for dinner and then, just as I was about to leave Alice called out to me from the kitchen. "Oh Edward!"

"Yeah?"

She got that glazed look in her eyes again and said "Don't be afraid to _jump_ at the occasion and help someone, make a difference" And just like that she recovered. "Bye! Love you!"

I just waved and said I loved her too and I was out of that door and into my car faster than it was humanly possible. I don't know why I was in such a hurry. As I drove back home I thought about ignoring her advice, but I still took the right turn and headed towards the bridge instead of my apartment building.

* * *

I stopped the car as soon as I saw her. She was standing _right there_ where _I_ stood 5 years ago after I got released from that fucking hospital, and I knew without a doubt why she was there. She seemed to notice my approach but didn't act on it. She just kept gazing down at the water like it would hold all the answers in the world, when in fact it would only make you ask more questions.

My steps carried me without my accord towards her. I should have been more careful. She could have been scared and done something stupid, but she just _stood _there, almost catatonic. I pulled my legs over the railing and carefully sat down next to her. A little farther away from her so she wouldn't do anything rash.

I took a look at her. She seemed…defeated, resigned. Her big chocolate brown eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face held so much pain and sorrow I could have cried just by looking at them. Brown eyes often seemed flat in their darkness, but not hers. I could drown in them – pun not intended.

I realized she was searching my features too, but she looked away quickly when I made eye contact. She could have been an angel.

But what could an angel have done so wrong that God cast her away on earth to suffer? She stared back down at the water and it seemed as if she was trying to determine something. I wanted to make her look at me again. To make her forget about what she thought was the answer to all of this, whatever _that _was_._

"Hey" I said, hoping that at least my voice would make her acknowledge me. But she didn't. She just stared back at the water and then turned slowly and looked at my car. Curiously I followed her gaze. My silver Volvo was standing there, and I didn't find anything interesting about it so I turned my attention at her. She was inspecting me again, brows furrowed, but she must have gotten her answer because she went back to staring at the water.

"You got a name?" I asked another question hoping that this time she would speak to me.

She surprised the fuck out of me when she chuckled and answered "Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?" I quickly rearranged my features and did my best to keep her talking. "Well, what is it?" I wasn't any good at this, but I knew I just had to try.

She smirked at me and answered "Jane." She actually smirked. What the fuck? She didn't act like she should have, given the circumstance. But I didn't analyze this for too long.

"Like Madonna or is there a second name?" I figured sense of humor wouldn't hurt. At least I knew I had that going for me.

She answered very serious "It's Doe. Jane Doe." A couple of moments passed by until I processed that information and she started laughing. It wasn't a real laugh. But it wasn't what I had expected either. But she was still beautiful and I had to wonder what she was like when she actually laughed about something. That would be a sight. I smiled at her realizing she was being a smart-ass. But still, she wasn't anything like I expected her to be when I walked on this bridge.

She kept stealing glances at me and after a few moments she broke the silence "Look, I don't want to be presumptuous, but if you're here to stop me from doing this, then you are wasting your time. I appreciate the effort though."

I wanted to laugh. She saw right trough me. But I couldn't let her know that, and if I kept her talking… "You are presumptuous. I just stopped to look at the water. It's where I come to think. You have stolen my spot, but tonight I'm feeling generous so I'll share. And for the record, I don't know what you think I want to stop you from doing." I looked at her trying to get her reaction. She looked … disappointed? She saddened immediately – not that she had been joyous before – and she stared right back down at the fucking water and I had to stop this. "Did you walk all the way over here?" _Of course she had douchebag, do you see a car somewhere? Or did you just think someone dropped her off? "Okay honey, go kill yourself now, buh-bye!"_ I stopped talking to myself reminding that I was supposed to talk to her, but she hadn't heard me. "Excuse me, what?"

"I asked did you walk all the way over here? It's kind of far away from the city." Despite my inner monologue before, I was actually interested in her answer. She couldn't lie to me, but I figured she wouldn't tell me the truth either.

"Uh, yeah. I needed to think." Okay. She wouldn't bite. Take two. "Will you need a ride back, when you're done with uh…whatever it is you're doing here?"

She stared at me again suspiciously probably trying to figure out where I was going with this and then she laughed again. But it was filled with sadness so deep this time, it cut through my core. I didn't know why I was affected by this frail woman-child beside me, but I was. She seemed to look for an answer and then sighed in defeat. "Uh, no. I'm not going back. I'm going for a swim." Of course she was. I gave up pretending I didn't know what we were doing here. "Can I ask you why you're doing this?"

"Of course you can. I just don't know if you'll actually get an answer." She said as she smiled. And as much as I wanted to know the answer to that question I asked another one that was gnawing at me almost as bad. "How can you be so calm about this?" It was unnatural. I was a wreck standing here five years ago and in that bathtub a week before that…

"What is there to be stressed about? You just do it. No consequences, no nothing. I jump and then it's all over." She answered as she dangled her legs back and forth over that goddamned ledge I was so anxious to get her away from. "And then it all goes away" She muttered further.

Was she for real? "I beg to differ. I never heard of anyone dying instantly from jumping in the water." _Smart move Cullen! Piss her off. Push her yourself why don't you?_

"Yeah okay, it's not that easy. But it is easier this way. At least then I'll know why I can't breathe, instead of walking around gasping for air. Air that never comes, that will never come. That I don't deserve" I was at a loss for words. Again, what could she have possibly done wrong to inflict this self-loathing? But I started to question her motives. She was here to punish herself, not to escape from something as most of them…_us_ – my conscience choosing this particular day to come fuck with me again – do it for. So I asked again. "Why are you doing this…uh, Jane?" God I wish I knew her name.

She just smiled and shook her head. _Fair enough. _She took me by surprise again with her next question. Firstly, because so far I had been the one to initiate the conversation and secondly, because wasn't that the fucking question of the year? "What are _you_ doing here?" I didn't answer at first hoping she would just go with the obvious and drop it. But she just rolled her eyes and rephrased her question. She could be a lawyer were she so inclined to get off of this fucking bridge with me. "I mean, do you actually come here to think? Or were you just telling me that?"

"I used to. I uh, realized something of great significance one night many years ago, standing here, and I come back from time to time to make sense of things." _So there. Take that as you will._

"How did you get here in the first place?"

Okay Ms. Doe, time to give you some of your own medicine. "In my car. Unlike you, I hate long walks." _Time to steer the conversation back to her_. I grinned and awaited her response. Her breathing hitched a bit but she recovered quickly. "I figured as much. I was referring to that night. What brought you here?" Damn she was good. But if I wanted something out of her I had to give her something in return. Tit for tat. "Oh…uh I was driving around; looking for a place to uh…think" I threw her a sideways glance when I said that, hoping she won't call me out on that word "and this place seemed kind of perfect." It wasn't a complete lie. There was definitely lots of thinking involved.

She brought me out of my reverie and I berated myself. I had to get a grip on myself if I wanted to make some progress. "What's your name?"

Two can play at this game. I half-smiled and she blushed in response. Huh. Interesting. "John." I chuckled remembering when she said it to me. "Doe. John Doe is the name."

"Fair enough" she smiled. "But you know? Negotiators should be honest in order to get their victims to cooperate."

"Yup, but I'm not negotiating anything now, am I? And you don't look like a victim." I said and then I thought that this is the part were I should tread carefully. I looked into her eyes leaning towards her trying to get through to her "You want to know what I think?"

She seemed lost for a second, but answered "What you think about what?"

"About you. Why you're here." She just shrugged, so I continued. "I think you don't really want to do this. I think you're not entirely sure. You see this as an easy way out, but you haven't thought it through. You can't do it. You're heart is not in it so to speak."

And of course I had fucked it up.

Next thing I know she was on her feet screaming her lungs out. "You don't know anything about me, my reason to do this, or if I want to do this or not! You don't get to come here and make small talk with me and act like you now fuck all about anything! You know what? Get the fuck out of here and out of my face! Or I swear I will fucking jump right now in front of your eyes and I don't want to die feeling fucking guilty about another fucking thing!" And there it was again. The guilt…And so much swearing she could put me to shame.

But I didn't have time to think about this because she was standing now and she was getting closer to the edge and I don't think she was actually realizing it. So I had obviously been wrong. If her body was unconsciously leading her there she _had_ to do this. But she didn't want to. No. And I had to make it right.

"Calm down, please! I didn't mean to upset you. Look…I'm sorry, I really am! I didn't claim to know anything about you but just think about it. How long have you been standing here?" She really seemed to think about it so at least she was listening. "If you would really want this you would be long dead by now, the fact alone that you are having this conversation with me should tell you something." _It should tell you that you need to get the fuck away from that ledge_ I added silently as I measured again the distance between her feet and the edge. But apparently I had said something wrong because she got from confusion to anger in 0.3 seconds. "Can you? Fuck…Jane" If only I knew her name… "Can you just sit back down? Please?" How had I fucked this up royally in span of minutes? I was desperate now.

"I'll stand." She said simply so I rose to my feet too, feeling I need to be at her level. But it had been a mistake. She froze seeing me towering over her so I stood still. "Don't try anything funny uh, John. I swear I'll take you down with me" And if the fact that she was willing to kill me wasn't reason enough to worry, then she muttered something I'm not sure I was supposed to hear "Another person to die because of me…what's one more right? When you're already going to hell…"

But I didn't have time to analyze this either. I just had to hope I would get a chance to do it later, hopefully not after attending her funeral. My mind finally registered that I had been an asshole, playing her at her own games and not giving her my name. "Edward. My name is Edward."

I had to make this right. "Look, just…just hear me out for a second please!" I stared at her squarely in the eyes hoping to make her see the sincerity in them. And God bless her soul – the one she was so willing to throw away – she took a step back. I bathed in the feeling of relief for a second before adding. "Just take a rain check. Let me take you out to dinner or coffee or something. We'll talk for a bit, and if you don't change your mind, I'll bring you back. Hell I'll push you myself if you want me to." It was desperate and stupid. But I knew that if I got her off of that bridge, she was saved, just like I had been those many years ago, when another voice got me to come down.

And she laughed at me…again, and I hoped it meant I was getting somewhere. "A rain check, really Edward?" a shiver went through my whole body hearing my name roll off her tongue so naturally "You can't take a rain check on death! And how do I know you will bring me back? You'll just take me to a hospital and have me committed."

And I knew it then. If I was going to make her listen to me I had to show her and by showing her, reliving the whole day all over again. I had to remember the desperation that washed over me at the realization that she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. The feel of the blade as it sliced my wrists, the smell of blood – rust and salt, the blackness as it took over me and finally Jasper's voice pleading me to stay with him, to wake the fuck up. I started to roll my sleeves up to show her that I knew what she was going through. So I captured her gaze and made my best effort to keep her there. "You can take a rain check when it is of your own doing." I heard her gasp and knew she understood. And I prayed to whatever God created this magnificent creature to make her listen to me. To let her stay with me a little while longer. She wasn't looking at me now, so she couldn't see the haunted look in my eyes. I kept my voice even as I spoke "You'll just have to trust me on this one. Can you do that for me?"

I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she sifted through emotions, decisions and uncertainties all evident in her face and then she settled on one emotion. Resolve. And I hoped she would give me her hand and let me take her away from here, but she broke me further. "You can't save me, Edward. Stop trying. Go home. I'm sorry you had to make my acquaintance". But I wasn't sorry. And I won't be sorry after tonight. If I will do one thing right in my life this will be it. Saving this angel from whatever shadows cast her from her heaven.

"Give me one reason why I should. One perfectly good reason why I should turn my back on you and go home tonight thinking that I let you die." And with each sentence I uttered I took another step towards her.

"Edward stay away! I don't want to do this to you!" She screamed and her voice wavered. Good. If she was going to cry it meant she wasn't sure. She wasn't set on dying.

"One reason…Jane" It made me furious that I didn't know her name…It would make a difference. And then I remembered. Alice's words _"Don't be afraid to jump at the occasion and help someone, make a difference" _and so I knew what I had to do. "Or else I'm jumping with you!"

Shock registered across her face and the tears began falling feely. "Edward…I'm begging you, stay away!" She couldn't do that. Not knowing I would get hurt in the process. How could two lives become so entwined in such a short period of time?

But as I advanced, she walked backwards, getting dangerously close to that fucking edge, step by fucking step. So I had to stop. I had to make her stop. Because I had judged her wrong time and time again this night. I made mistake after mistake.

And in the end it _was _me the one who pushed her over the edge.

"Edward, I swear to fucking God -"

"Just tell me your name." I said, interrupting her threats. Throwing her off her course was the right decision for now or so I thought. But if she was going to do that, if she really was going to jump I needed to know. "If you tell me your name I will turn around I promise. Don't you think I deserve at least that? To know the name of the girl I could have saved from drowning?" It was a lie, because there was never a moment in my mind when I thought I wouldn't jump in after her.

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

BPOV

I jumped.

And there was air, so much air. I could breathe again.

I was flying.

And then there was wet, and cold and no air, and darkness, so much darkness. I let it envelop me. The air was knocked out of me when I entered the water, but what reason was there to be able to breathe?

This is what I wanted, right? In a few short minutes it will finally all be over with. But in the back of my mind there was this deep voice, the voice of my father pleading with me "Fight for me, Bells! Help me get you out of here! Don't stop fighting." And I was back in my house, 6 months ago, surrounded by heat and smoke and fire, fighting for breath just like I was now.

My hands and legs started moving by their own accord, bringing me back into the present…in this dark water that seemed to cling to me, to never want to let me go. Apparently, instinct took over and my body was fighting to get me to the surface, to safety. Only I didn't know what safety was until I resurfaced, making choking sounds when my lungs fought to replace water with oxygen.

There was another voice, screaming my name. And there he was, my angel, calling me, frantic green eyes searching for brown - almost dead - ones.

And I had been right. Hearing my name from his lips was my undoing. Suddenly I _wanted _to fight, I really did. I didn't know why, but I just did. And I would have, but I was so tired, of fighting, of surviving. I saw he was trying to get over to me, but it was like death, wasn't giving me up, and pulling me by my legs back down, I sank deeper and deeper.

Everything was calm. I was sinking face up and I saw the surface getting farther and farther away from me. I knew I had to fight for some reason, but I couldn't find it right now. It unnerved me. I was dying! This is what I wanted! _You don't get to change your mind, Bella! _Words rang through my head, _"you can when it is of your own doing", _But how could I?

I always imagined drowning to be a violent death, but it was eerily calm. There was just so much weight lifted off my shoulders as I drifted, weightless, and the stillness and the darkness as they took me…

And Edward. Was Edward part of death?

No, he wasn't. He's so full of life. This wasn't right.

I felt something surrounding my arms like a vice grip and I got scared. Was death finally dragging me away? _NO!_ This cannot happen. I had to find Edward, to make sure he was alright. I wouldn't drag him down with me. Not him! His beautiful colors will wash away. I could die after that, as long as he was fine.

So I started kicking and thrashing against what was dragging me, and I screamed. I didn't know I still had air in my lungs, but just as the air left, water went in.

It wasn't until I got my first lungful of air in what seemed like hours that I realized what I'd been fighting all along.

"Goddamnit Bella! Stop it! Stop kicking or we'll never see the light of day again!"

And I stopped. It wasn't death. It was Edward. It was my angel.

At some point I felt something hard hitting my back. I saw Edward hovering above me. "Hang in there Bella!"

We made it.

We were safe.

_He_ was safe. His colors were still shining bright.

I could give up now. I closed my eyes.

* * *

EPOV

Falling felt exactly as I imagined it would have.

It was exhilarating, liberating, the adrenaline rushing through my body making the experience that much more intense.

But I wasn't falling searching for death this time. Rather, I was going down looking to fight it for the life that it was going to grab in its greedy paws. And I would fight goddamnit. I would not let it take Bella away from me. Not her too.

It was cold, really cold and I knew that if I don't find her soon she'll freeze to death. I'll freeze right along with her if it only meant I managed to save her.

I surfaced the water searching frantically for her, screaming her name. Could she even swim? I couldn't see her so I went under water.

It was so dark, and cold. My teeth were chattering each time I surfaced for breath. My muscles were burning from exertion, but I couldn't give up. I swam in the general direction in which she fell, but I couldn't find her. My voice was growing weak, but I kept calling her name while I was on the surface and strained my eyes to see through the darkness of the water while I was underneath.

How much time had passed? Could she have made it if she didn't know how to swim?

And then I heard it. A horrible choking sound that should never make anyone as happy as I was to hear it. I turned to my right and there she was, gasping for breath. The minute I met her eyes I called her name again. She stared at me with a wistful look and then she was drowning again. I went right down after her watching as she kept sinking and it felt like I couldn't reach her fast enough.

I grabbed her arms to pull her with me to the surface but she started kicking, and worst of all screaming. I hadn't thought she still had air in her lungs but as she opened her mouth to scream bubbles rose to the surface. I knew I had to get her out of the water _like 2 minutes ago_ because she had no air left…she was breathing water now. I fought with all my might to carry her as she flailed her arms and legs like crazy. She seemed to be fighting me, but I'll be damned if I was going to let her drown.

As soon as we got to the surface I started screaming again in order to bring her back to me. "Goddamnit Bella! Stop it! Stop kicking or we'll never see the light of day again!". And she did, as soon as she heard my voice. It was like witnessing what Alice and Jasper had, for myself. But that couldn't be it could it?

I finally got her to shore and I realized she was slipping away from me, so I kept telling her "Hang in there Bella!" Because she looked resigned again, she was giving up. "Stay with me! Fight this Bella! Fight it for me!"

As she closed her eyes, I suddenly felt exhausted too. All the adrenaline having left my body I felt like I had just climbed Mount Everest or something.

I knew I was going to pass out but I had to make sure she was okay. She was still breathing, but she was shivering. I tucked her into my body heating her with my own body heat. The last things I remember are the way she felt in my arms, like she belonged there, like we were carved from the same thing and Alice's voice screaming my name. The latter I couldn't be sure was actually happening or if my mind was playing tricks on me, reminding me of another time when her voice stopped me from taking the jump that today I took so willingly.

**

* * *

****I know I made some Midnight Sun references along the way, but it's all Stephenie's and they fit…:D**

**A/N: **Phew! that was a long chapter. I would have ended it after his POv but I was leaving you guys with another cliff-hanger and it didn't seem fair :P

This ending is not so bad, right? you can wait for what's to come, can't you?

**Oh yeah.."tit for tat" is my way of reminding you all of the awesomeness that is Wide Awake. **

**True fact: I almost drowned three different times. When Bella screams…that was me panicking and thinking it would be a great idea to scream under water (it wasn't, trust) and Bella flailing her arms like crazy? That was one of my cousins climbing all over me so she could get to the surface. In her defense she couldn't swim. I can. But hey, all's well when it ends well. **

**Let me know what you think.**

**Laura :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Stephenie Meyer is the one with the awesome dream. If only all of us could dream of Edward...or Rob...I'm not picky, beggars can't be choosers right? :))**

**A/N: I'd like to say that I am sorry if the subject of this story upsets someone. I don't know anyone who has committed or attempted to commit suicide, and I hope I don't disrespect those of you who have gone through something like that. It is terrible when something like that happens and I really hope I don't offend anyone with the beginning of this story. **

**Ch. 3 Misconception**

"I'll taste the Devil's tears

Drink from its soul

But I'll never give up you"

Angus and Julia Stone – The Devil's Tears

EPOV

I opened my eyes, but the lights were too bright so I shut them and groaned.

"Goooood morning sleepyhead!"

I knew that voice, but for some reason it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

"Alice?" I finally managed to adjust my eyes to the lights and I was met with a pair of green eyes, my eyes, our father's eyes. I tried to figure out what was she doing here and most important where the fuck 'here' was. Last thing I remembered was having dinner…

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I would have said that I feel okay, but as I tried to rub the sleep from my eyes I became aware of how painful everything was. My whole body hurt, like I had been run over by a car. My legs and arms especially. I was exhausted for lack of a better word.

"Like hell. What are you doing here? Where am I?"

She gave me a funny look and then turned her head to look at someone. I finally took a look around. Jasper was sitting behind her on a couch, she was next to me in a chair. Next to my bed. A hospital bed.

What.

The.

Fuck?

Why was I in a hospital? What have I done now?

And then it all came rushing back to me. The bridge, a beautiful girl, hurt in her eyes, anger, tears and then she was gone. The water, the despair, the relief, the warmth, Alice's voice.

"Oh my God! Alice, where is she? Where's Bella?"

"Calm down, Edward, she's fine. She's in another room. She's resting; she's been through so much." Her voice didn't do anything to soothe me. "I want to see her."

"You need to rest, Edward. She's sleeping anyway."

"What happened?"

"Well, after you left I started having this funny feeling. I mean it was alright for a while, but then I became really anxious, and Jasper was acting funny too, he was going through so many emotions at a time. I knew something was wrong."

I looked at Jasper. He was every bit as special as Alice was. He was quite empathic. He would sense your mood and act towards you depending on that. But usually you had to be in the same room, not miles away.

"So we just got in the car and drove to the bridge." Alice was crying now. I knew what it must have done to her, being there. I would never forgive myself for what I did to her. Acting so selfish, thinking I could end my life and everything would be alright. I realized once I got better that I would have only transferred my pain over losing someone, onto her and my parents.

"When we got there, you were both standing. She was screaming and you were trying to calm her. You did good Edward." It was Jasper who was talking now. I snorted.

"I might as well have pushed her myself Jasper, I pushed all the wrong buttons."

"No you didn't Edward. There was nothing more you could have done. She had made her decision." He was thoughtful for a while.

"What, Jasper?"

"I don't know. It's weird. She was set, but at the same time holding back. I don't know how to explain it."

"Yeah, I know, I witnessed it first hand."

"What happened afterwards?" It was a stupid question, I knew what happened. "I mean after we…you know." I couldn't say the words. Not with Alice sobbing next to me and holding on to my arm for dear life.

"Oh, Edward!" She said "She jumped! And then you jumped right after her. I can't believe you did that! What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about you, Ali." She looked confused. "I was thinking about that night, when you talked me down from that very bridge and how great my life has been because of that. Thanks to you. I wanted to do that for her. But she wouldn't listen to me," I felt anger again and helplessness, thinking how my words weren't enough, that I wasn't good enough "She just wouldn't listen so I tried to mess with her mind, to set her off her course and it was working for a while, but then she snapped right back and she did it. What other choice had I, Alice?" I was pleading for her to forgive me. God! What it must have done to her, watching me jump. I shuddered.

"God, Alice! Forgive me!" I pulled her in my arms. "I didn't to it to hurt you, you must know that! Fuck! I didn't even do it to hurt myself. I just had to help her Alice. I couldn't let her die…"

"I know Edward. I just needed to hear you say that."

"So you guys got us out, or what?"

"No, man. You did that all by yourself. We just called an ambulance and kept you guys warm 'till they got there. You were this close to a hypothermic shock. Good thinking on holding each other too. You made the difference between life and death Edward." Said Jasper, who now had an amused look on his face. "But it took me and two paramedics to get you to let her go. It's like you two were molded together." He and Alice laughed, but Alice gave me this knowing smile, and it made me think about how good it felt to have her there, safe in my arms.

"Guys, I really need to see her, see she's alright."

"Well, if you feel up to it.." Jasper got interrupted by the door being opened.

"Oh Edward honey! How are you? Are you feeling okay? What happened? Does it hurt anywhere? Can I get you anything?" I was assaulted by a thousand questions a minute. My mom entered the room and practically jumped on me, ignoring Alice and almost crushing her between us. She was searching me up and down trying to asses if there was anything wrong with me.

"Esme, let the man breathe! He's perfectly fine." Said my father from behind her.

"Yeah, mom, I'm fine. I just went for a swim." I chuckled. Apparently she didn't find it funny.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" uh-oh, I was in trouble now. "What part of this whole ordeal do you find funny? Do you know what I went through?" Again with the guilt trip.

"I'm sorry mom." Her expression softened and hugged me. "It's okay honey, just don't do it again."

"Dad, can you please tell me how Bella is doing?"

"Who?" Carlisle asked.

"Bella, the woman that was brought in with me."

"Oh, is that her name? We were just going to call her Jane until she woke up and tell us her name" I would have laughed if I wasn't so worried about her.

"It's Bella, dad. I don't know her last name."

"She's fine. She's sleeping it off. A little anemic, but otherwise healthy." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm proud of you son. You saved a life tonight."

I had no words. Although he never said it out loud I knew he felt disappointed in me for what I had done 5 years ago, and although he didn't say it in that many words now, I knew he forgave me.

"Thanks dad." I said thanking him for more than just his words. "But now, can I please just go see her? I have to see for myself she's alright"

"You go son, I'll make the discharge papers for you"

They told me which room was hers and so I went looking for her. She was just three rooms down from me. I opened the door slightly to make sure I didn't wake her.

She was laying on the bed, looking so small beneath the blankets, her brown hair cascading all over her pillow, the still damp locks of hair looking like seaweed. Her whole posture was relaxed and with her eyes closed she looked like the weight of the world was no longer weighing on her shoulders. But I knew the pain I would see when she would open them. I would let her sleep forever if it meant she wouldn't have that pain in her eyes.

But wasn't that exactly just what she wanted to do?

I grabbed her small hand in mine and held it there. "What happened to you, beautiful? Why did you do it?"

I wish she would wake soon so she could answer me, but I knew it would be at least another couple of hours. I could go back to my apartment, have a shower and come back.

I kissed her forehead and left to see Carlisle, but I ran into Jasper instead.

"Hey Edward, Carlisle wanted to let you know you're free to go."

"Thanks man."

"I also wanted to let you know that we told the police she fell and you jumped to save her."

I was confused. "Uh…okay. Any particular reason why?"

"She would be in the psych ward now if we hadn't, man."

Of course, I was so wrapped up in everything else that I forgot about that. She would have been committed and I promised her I wouldn't do that.

"Thank you so much Jasper. I owe you, more than I'll ever be able to repay you. "

I started to walk to the elevator, but something kept nagging me. "Hey Jasper, has anyone come to see her? Has anyone asked about her?"

"No. She's a Jane Doe as far as we know, so we didn't know who to call."

"Alright, thanks. Talk to you later."

On my way home I kept thinking about everything that happened since yesterday. Where did she come from? Was anyone worried about her? What if she'd leave? It didn't surprise me that I felt uneasy thinking that maybe she had a boyfriend searching for her somewhere.

For so long I have been numb and now this girl comes along and I just _feel_ again. It's stupid that I don't want to give her up, but I can't, not now.

It's a dangerous thing to do, I know. I've been so closed up until now since she…._they_ died. I promised myself I'll never get myself into this kind of situation, where I'll get attached to someone only to have them walk out of my life one way or another. But Bella brought me hope. In the short time since we've met I became tied to her in a way I can't explain. It couldn't be just the fact that I saved her.

_God, Cullen! What the fuck are you doing? Walk away! You're only gonna end up in the bathtub again. You saved her. She's going to leave now. There's no reason for her to stick around. She'll say thanks and leave._

But I can't. I have to at least see to it that she doesn't try this again. I have to find her family and make sure she is well taken care of.

And then she'll be gone and out of my life. I'll never know why she did what she did, what's her story and all the things I want to know about her. Because I do want to know her, not just out of morbid curiosity, I want to know what she was like growing up, who she wanted to be as a grown up. Does she like coffee and if so how does she take it?

_And this is my point Eddie-Boy! Can you see where I'm coming from? You've known her what? 48 hours and now you want to play house? Just walk out while you still can. Don't go back to the hospital._

I shook my head from the inane chatter I was having with myself and realized that somehow, through my monologue, I managed to get home, shower, change and I was now in my car headed towards the hospital.

* * *

BPOV

I was having the strangest dream. I was surrounded by colors, jade green and fiery bronze, and there was warmth and angels, no, not angels just one, with his voice like velvet, calling me, asking me to stay with him. I figured I did it. I jumped, I died and now I'm in heaven. I tried to open my eyes, but I was tired. I felt like I could sleep forever, but there was something nagging me in the back of my mind.

Was I supposed to be in heaven? People like me don't belong in heaven. And I was lying on something that wasn't exactly comfortable. If this was heaven I always thought it would be more comfortable. Maybe I was in hell, but then there was the angel. Does your guardian angel get to come with you in hell or is he assigned to another poor soul? I guess hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you.

I tired to open my eyes again to see where I was after all.

There was a ceiling, there was a window, and there was a chair next to my bed which happened to be a hospital bed.

Oh no!

Not the hospital…someone took me out. Someone saved me. Edward. I remembered now. But it didn't make sense. He promised me he wouldn't do this to me. He promised I wouldn't end up in the hospital. I had to get out of here. I looked around and didn't see my clothes anywhere.

"NURSE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Well at least that's I was trying to do, but my voice was a little rough after all the water that I swallowed. "Nurse! Someone!"

A nurse barged into my room, probably thinking someone was dying.

"Yes miss, are you alright? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I want to leave, but I don't have my clothes."

"Miss you can't leave, a doctor has to come see you, I can get one for you, but it's still a little early for you to -"

"Look, nurse Jackie! I don't give a fuck what the doctor says. I want to leave. You can't keep me here against my will."

Nurse Jackie as I so adoringly named her – I didn't know her name, but I didn't care to either, and that show was funny, Dr. Coop cracked me up – stared at me with a shocked expression. "Okay, fine. Let me get you your clothes, but you will have to sign a form declaring that you left against doctors orders."

"I don't care. Do whatever you need to do, but I'm leaving."

I stood there moving my legs and arms checking to see I was alright. It crossed my mind that maybe I wasn't in the psych ward, and even though I was in a hospital it didn't mean that Edward betrayed me.

Oh my God! Edward he was with me. Was he alright? I could ask about him? But hoe could I explain what happened? What did he tell them that happened?

As I was contemplating how I could find out what happened to him, the nurse came and brought me my clothes. She said the doctor will bring me my forms, so I guess I wasn't out of the loop yet. I got dressed in my poor excuse of clothes. They were dirt and ripped all over the place, but I guess as long as nothing was showing they will have to do. Besides they were all I had left.

After a few minutes I swear to God Dr. Coop himself strolled into my room only this one had light blonde hair, and Dr. Coop was a fictional character so it couldn't be him, but still, the resemblance was shocking.

"Hello miss. Bella is it?" I panicked how did he know my name? He must not have sensed my uneasiness because he went on. "It really would be useful for us to know your last name, we have been calling you Jane Doe around here."

I would have laughed if I wasn't still thinking how he could know my name.

"Uh…Look can I have the forms I have to leave. I can't be here."

"Bella, I would really like you to reconsider this. You have been through a traumatic experience and you body is not quite recovered, you also have a slight anemia and-"

"I'm fine. I just want to leave and you can't make me stay here."

He looked disappointed, but he relented and handed me the forms.

I signed them without even reading, I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and what did I have to lose anyway? Ha. I might have donated a kidney, other than that…but I still had to find out what happened to Edward. I remembered he managed to get out too, but afterwards…

"I have a question."

"What is it?"

"There was a man. He was brought in here at the same time as me…"

"Yes, Edward. He was the one to tell us you name actually." Ah, so that's how they knew my name. "He's fine. He was discharged earlier actually. I think he left a while ago."

I was struck dumb. He was discharged? And he left? He…left me here? It was stupid I know. But I was disappointed. I thought he cared, but he just left me here. I shouldn't have felt this way, but in my stupidity I actually thought he cared. But who does that? Who jumps off a bridge to save someone than leaves them on a hospital bed without a second thought? I had to get far away from this place, where I had no idea.

I gave the forms back to the doctor and he looked at the signature a bit funny. He looked at me searching for something, but before he could ask any questions I was out of the room without saying a word to him and headed for the elevators.

* * *

EPOV

When I got there I went straight to her room. I froze. She wasn't there. I went to the nurse outside he room "Um, sorry. Where is the patient in room 12?"

"Oh, she left."

"What? What do you mean she left? Who let her go?"

"Sir. It's confidential; I can't talk to you about her"

"I'm the one who saved her miss…I have every right to know where she is"

She rolled her eyes and I knew she was going to give me another speech about confidentiality. "I'm also Dr. Cullen's son"

She appraised me for a minute deciding if I was lying or not, but I guess she believed me in the end. "Well, she woke up and left. Against doctors orders, she discharged herself and left."

I just stared at her dumbly. How did she leave? Why? Why would she just leave without waiting for me?

I ran straight to my father's office and barged in startling him.….

"Dad! Dad you have to help me! Bella left! How could they let her go?"

"Well son, she is of age, if she signed the discharge papers, there was nothing we could have done."

"Nothing you could have done? Do you realize what these incompetent bastards did?" I was yelling now and I didn't care who heard me.

"Edward, have some respect -"

"Dad! She's a fucking SUICIDE risk! And they let her waltz out the front door!"

"What? What do you mean suicide risk. She fell…she didn't jump!"

"Of course she 'fell' dad! You would have had her committed otherwise."

"Edward! I can't believe you lied to me! This is your fault as well as mine. How could you take that risk? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I promised her dad…she was beginning to trust me and I told her I won't take her to a hospital to have her committed if only she came down. Oh God! How it must have looked when she woke up in a hospital…."

"Edward, calm down I'm sure we can find her, she didn't leave a long while ago, but listen I have to tell you I think I know…"

He was saying something, but I didn't hang around long enough to listen to him. It started to dawn on me why she didn't wait for me. I had to find her.

* * *

**A/N: sorry for the late update guys. I have a lot of schoolwork to do and exams and stuff. I hope the next update will be up sooner.**

**Let me know what you think.**

**P.S. the line: "Hell's not so bad, if you get to keep an angel with you" is from a Twilight outtake posted on Stephenie Meyer's site. It's called "Emmett and the bear" if you haven't read it already you should. It's really cute.**


	4. Chapter 4

Hi guys...long time no...nothing. I know and I am so sorry. I don't have a valid excuse for why I haven't updated the story. Real life got in the way I guess and this note should have been posted a reaaaalllly long time ago. I don't know when or if i am going to continue Jane Doe. To the few of you who have been reading it I apologise once again and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Stephenie Meyer is the one with the awesome dream. If only all of us could dream of Edward...or Rob...I'm not picky, beggars can't be choosers right? :))**

**I'd like to say that I am sorry if the subject of this story upsets someone. I don't know anyone who has committed or attempted to commit suicide, and I hope I don't disrespect those of you who have gone through something like that. It is terrible when something like that happens and I really hope I don't offend anyone with the subject of this story. **

**And also thanks for those who had the patience to wait for me to get my act together. I hope it won't take that long until my next update. I have the story all figured out in my head it just that sometimes I don't find the words to do it justice. **

**Ch. 4 Full circle**

So maybe I'm a masochist  
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave  
Til the walls are goin' up  
In smoke with all our memories

Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie (Piano Version)

EPOV

_"Edward, calm down I'm sure we can find her, she didn't leave a long while ago, but listen I have to tell you I think I know…"_

_He was saying something, but I didn't hang around long enough to listen to him. It started to dawn on me why she didn't wait for me. I had to find her._

I ran out of the hospital and looked left and right wondering where I should look for her first. One thing I did know for certain. I wouldn't go home tonight without her.

I decided to go on foot. She couldn't have gotten very far, and she didn't have a car. I was pretty certain she didn't have any money for a cab either. What if I couldn't find her? What will she do? Sleep on the streets? I would rather spare a limb than let that happen.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I contemplated again that these…feelings were not okay to have for someone you just met a couple of days prior and under horrendous circumstances no less, but other matters were more important than my pondering.

I searched the area around the hospital and when I was done I got in my car and went to the nearest parks. Maybe she needed some time to think…Oh God! What was it that I told her that night? _. I just stopped to look at the water. It's where I come to think._' Maybe she decided to steal my spot again? Hopefully just for that sole purpose…_Yeah, wishful thinking Cullen! _

It was starting to get dark so I started the engine of my car and headed towards that damn bridge. Who would have thought that the place I used to associate with serenity would become the bane of my existence?

Halfway there, my phone rang. I checked the caller ID and saw that it was Alice calling me. I forgot I was supposed to call her at some point during the day and by now I'm sure she must have heard from dad that I ran like a bat out of hell from the hospital.

"Hi, Alice, sorry I forgot to call." I sad hoping that she won't nag me again.

"Yeah, whatever Edward, we will talk later what a lousy brother you are" although she was right I could hear the smile in her voice. "But actually that's not the reason why I'm calling."

"Oh?"

"You see, I was driving around, thinking of going on another shopping spree, and just as I was passing the hospital guess who I saw walking out?" I was so not in the mood for this.

"Alice, I really would love to play these guessing games with you but I have something really important to -" she cut me off "Fine I'll cut to the chase. 5'4, brown hair, beautiful brown eyes…you know? Your regular Jane Doe? Sound familiar?"

I hit the brakes instantly. "What, you saw Bella? Where is she? Did you follow her? Please tell me you know where she is!"

"Edward calm down, she's here with me. I took her to your place. Sheesh, paranoid much?"

I let out the breath I had been holding for far too long and when I calmed down I told her to meet me back at my apartment. Hopefully now things will start to get on the right track.

All I had to do now is get back home, talk to Bella, explain why she woke alone in a hospital - when I promised her that will be the last place I will take her - and then convince her to spend the night. Piece of cake.

BPOV

As soon as I got out through the hospital doors, I realized I had nowhere to go. At least part 1 of my plan went smoothly. The doctor let me go without too much of a fight, I don't know how I would have reacted if he said I couldn't leave.

As I stood there in front of the hospital I pondered where I should go. I didn't have a place to live anymore, or friends for that matter, I managed to make them hate me one way or the other, the bridge was too far away, that much was sure…There was somewhere I could go, somewhere I should go to more often, but hadn't been since the first time I had to, six months ago. The pain was still raw and the guilt would eat me away. Even more that is. I carried a lot of guilt around, enough for everyone and their grandma.

I took a left, the decision being made simply because I am a lefty. I didn't think about anything as I walked, I just drifted. Every time I blinked colors would flicker behind my eyes. The jade was the most prominent one, the jade green of Edward's eyes. The same green I could have sworn the doctor's eyes were. But I mostly avoided looking him in the eye so I couldn't be sure.

Edward…I sighed. Why did he have to be there? All I wanted was to end this. Now, because of him I outlived them another day…another day that wasn't mine to begin with. They should be here, not me. I can't say I regret meeting Edward, but I regret having lost the opportunity of _not_ meeting Edward, if that makes sense. Conflicting emotions were raging inside me. Part of me wanted him to have stayed at home that night, and part of me wished he would have been there next to me when I woke up. I was pissed that he broke his promise, although I realized we _had _to be brought to the hospital. I was angry that he left me there, without an explanation, without anything, hell I would have taken him screaming at me for endangering his life just as long as he would have been there. But I was furious at him for stopping me, for saving me and for making me rethink this.

Yes I said it. I was beginning to consider that maybe I hadn't thought everything through. But that was probably because I had more time to think…in general. I didn't want to go there right now so I cleared my mind once again to let the numbness overtake me.

After a few more minutes of walking I realized I wasn't making any progress. I was still near the hospital and if I kept walking I would be going in circles. I sat on the sidewalk and thought of where I would spend the night. There was obviously no reason in walking around if you don't pay attention to your surroundings. Again I wondered why I was looking for someplace to spend the night. I could just walk back to the bridge and do it right this time, no interruptions. But I think there is some sort of unspoken rule where if you fail the first time you don't try it the same way the next time. Was there a guide book for people who wanted to commit suicide? 'Suicide for Dummies' perhaps? I was getting off track, but my thoughts were all jumbled up anyway.

As I sat there, a car pulled up next to me. The window rolled down and curiously enough those damn green eyes stared back at me. They weren't Edwards and they weren't the doctor's. This particular pair of eyes belonged to a pixie. Seriously, how she could see above the steering wheel to drive was beyond me. She looked really young and I was about to ask her if she knew she wasn't legally allowed to drive when she started talking to me.

"Hi, Bella!" What is it with these people knowing my name?

"Uh, hi?" It came out as more of a question.

"You don't know me, but I do…sort of. I'm Edward's sister, Alice!" Ah! So that explains the eyes. Her voice was so cheery I could just tell that she had that kind of a bubbly personality, so full of…life. I couldn't remember what that was like. I just stared at her not knowing what I could say to her. I mean what was I supposed to say? 'Nice to meet you?' Not likely, I wanted to be alone. And I was still pissed at her brother.

"I know that this is going to sound weird, but would you like to get in the car? It's warmer and it sure as hell is comfier." Her eyes twinkled and looked so hopeful.

"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, much less get in cars with them" I deadpanned.

She burst out laughing at that one, this bell like laugh that got me to chuckle a little too.

"Oh, come on! I don't bite…much. And I'm not a stranger. I'm Edward's sister. You could get to know me better." When I hesitated she went on. "Okay fine, be that way, but I'm not going anywhere until you are." She got out of the car and sat next to me on the sidewalk, all the while like it was the most natural thing for her to do. I wondered what we must look like sitting next to each other, me in my ripped up clothes and she, in her designer ones.

After 10 minutes of silence I was debating if it would be rude to just get up and leave or if I should kindly deny the offer.

"Look, I see you're ready to bolt out of here, but just hear me out. It's going to get chilly tonight and I can safely assume you aren't going home since you decided to camp out on the sidewalk." I had to scoff at that. Home? I didn't have four walls and a damn roof over my head let alone a home. "Besides, I'm going to assume you left before Edward had a chance to get back?"

"What do you mean get back?" I was curious now. Didn't he just bail?

"Yeah. He woke up, got the okay from the doctors and since you were pretty much out of it he went home to take a shower and change, but he was going to come back."

"Oh." Was all I could say. I had no reason to believe Alice, but it did seem like an Edward thing to do, as much of Edward as I got to know. How could it even cross my mind that he would leave me there? He jumped off a bridge to save me. Fuck, Bella! Could you be even more of an idiot?

"Come on, what do you say? Come with me?" She looked at me pleadingly with those big green eyes that reminded me of Edward.

"Fine. But where will we go?"

"I don't know. But I know someone who does."

Next thing I know we were on our way to Edward's apartment. She called Edward and even from where I was sitting next to Alice I could hear the worried tone he got when Alice told me I was with her. How could I think so low of Edward? I was ashamed of myself.

The second we pulled up to Edward's apartment building he got out of his car, opened my door and took me in his arms. I was surprised but it felt good to be held like that so I returned his embrace, although his hug was more of a 'holding on to me for dear life' kind of hug.

"God Bella, why did you leave? Why didn't you wait for me?"

It sounds ridiculous but I was actually ashamed to admit it. "I thought you left." I said above a whisper.

"What? You thought I…Bella, I would never leave you like that." He stared straight into my eyes and I was convinced he could probably see into my soul too. His voice and his eyes were so honest I couldn't deny he was telling the truth.

"I know that now. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Just…don't do it again, okay?"

"Deal."

We were standing there just holding each other when we heard a throat clearing and we remembered there was Alice there as well. My cheeks turned pink at that and I tried to remember when was the last time I had that reaction.

"So, I'll let you guys catch up, meanwhile I'll go and get some stuff for Bella that she might need." She said and without another word she was back in her car and out of there.

EPOV

We said goodbye to Alice and then it was just me and Bella, alone. I hugged her to me again and breathed a sigh of relief that she was safe once again, that I found her.

"Bella, I won't ask you again why you left, or why you felt the need to run" she blushed and I realized that she must be ashamed "and I know we just met and you have no reason to trust me, but know that I usually keep my promises." I stared into her eyes as I said this hoping to convince her.

"I realize that now, and I'm sorry I left, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I'm not a big fan of hospitals." She sounded like she meant more by that statement, but I was hoping I would get to find out what later. Right now I had to get her to take a shower and change her clothes.

"Look, I know we didn't meet under the best circumstances, and we've been through a lot. You must be tired. Why don't you come upstairs with me, take a shower while I cook us something and then, if you're not too tired we'll talk a bit about things. Is that okay?"

"You cook?" I burst out laughing at that. Out of all that I said to her, she chose to comment on the most insignificant thing in my opinion. She never ceased to amaze me. Her mind seemed to be wired differently than most people's.

"Well, I guess it would be safer to say I microwave, pre-cooked dinners." I admitted sheepishly and she smiled.

"So? What do you say?"

"Huh?"

"Will you come home with me?" I asked her and reached put my hand to her.

"Oh…um I don't know Edward, I don't want to bother you any longer. I think I've disrupted you life enough for a century." She said, with a bitter chuckle at the end. And again it annoyed me that she thought she could ever be a nuisance to me. I was starting to think she was the best thing that happened to me in years. And whether I should be thinking that or not, I was going to analyze later, when she would be safe from herself and her mind, as she was the most dangerous thing to her at this moment. That scared me, because I was sure I could save her from a lot of things, but her mind was another thing altogether.

"How many times do I have to tell you? If I didn't want you there I wouldn't have asked you."

"I'm starting to get that" She said and she smiled what I realized was the first honest smile I've seen from her since we met.

Finally she took my hand and with a little nod she accepted.

BPOV

I reached out and took his hand, and as always, there was this little hum, this quiet energy that seemed to pass from his fingers to mine. We entered Edward's apartment which was oddly enough, pretty well organized. I was expecting a regular bachelor pad, but his apartment was actually really clean and had a feminine touch as well. You could see it in the way it was decorated and some of the furniture that just didn't scream Edward to me. After taking this all in it started to dawn on me that maybe Edward wasn't single, and I didn't know what to do with the pang in my chest when I thought of that either.

I felt a tug on my hand and I realized I stopped walking.

"Bella? Come on let me take you on a tour of the house and then you can go shower."

"Ummm, Edward? Are you single?" I blurted out and then proceeded to turn beet red and dig myself a hole where I could crawl into. "I mean, do you live with anyone else, because I couldn't help but notice all the decorations and candles here and there and not to mention the throw pillows. Those give me the impression that maybe a woman lives here and I don't want to upset anyone. And if there's no woman here than maybe…Oh my god, are you gay, not that I have a problem with that, it's just that…make me stop talking please!"

Edward burst out laughing after my rant and he was laughing so hard he actually fell on his ass. I didn't think people actually do that. And his laugh….oh God, his laugh was the best sound my ears have ever heard. And for the first time it was an honest one, full belly laugh with tears streaming down his face, his face was all red and he couldn't take a proper breath. And after noticing this I started laughing too, because come on, it was a funny sight.

"Oh God…" he wheezed trying to breathe and letting out a chuckle or to in the process. "That was the funnies thing I heard in ages. My mom helped me decorate Bella, yes I am single, no one else lives here and I am not gay. Not that I have a problem with them either. God Bella you are adorable. "

I froze hearing say that, expecting for things to turn awkward when he realized what he said, but he didn't even seem to notice, so I pretended it was no big deal and that it didn't stir something inside me when he said it.

"I'm so sorry; you should know upfront that I tend to ramble when I get nervous."

"Don't sweat it, I needed that actually. Come on let me show you my humble abode" He said with a bow and hand flourish toward the rest of his apartment.

It was nice and homey, not too fancy and not too shabby. It was actually something that I may have bought at one point in my life if things hadn't turned for the worse. And with that thought I was brought down to Earth and the bubble that seemed to form around Edward and me, burst when reality gave me a slap in the face. I snapped out of it just in time to hear Edward give me direction to the guest room, that I would be sleeping in tonight. The room had an en suite bathroom and Edward left me to my own devices while he went and micro waved us some dinner.

Alice had left me some necessary stuff on the counter. Soap, shampoo, conditioner, you know the works. I started the water and while I waited for the water to warm up I started to think again about the whirlwind that has been my life in the last 48 hours or so.

Edward was amazing, I'll give you that, but what was I doing here? What business do I have pretending to be a normal person when I'm not? Why was I blushing earlier at his comments, and why was I joking around with him? Why am I befriending his sister like I am going to actually spend more time around her? Why am I letting that beautiful man prepare me dinner, when all I'm going to do in the end is cause him pain?

I got in the shower and thought about these things some more while going through the mechanics of washing my body. My mind however couldn't be washed, or even bleached. There were memories that wouldn't go away. Like the way my father spoke about my mother and how sometimes, he fought to look at me because I reminded him too much of her. And most of all, seeing the steam cloud around me, I remembered the smoke and how it filled my lungs and denied me the air I so craved. And my father's voice telling me to leave him there like somehow his life was more important than mine.

I couldn't even cry anymore. I just got out of the shower and wondered as I had wondered time and time before, what am I doing in here, living my life when they gave up theirs for mine?

Looking in the mirror at my reflection I could see both of them in my features, and still they weren't here anymore. I dropped my gaze and my eyes fell on something that could be my answer. There, in the bag of toiletries, was a razorblade.

I took it in my hand, sat on the floor and pondered how this little object would be my salvation.

I just hoped Edward would forgive me.

EPOV

She went to take a shower while I made us some dinner. I waited for her but she never came out of the bathroom. I realized that I heard the spray of the shower turn off 10 minutes ago. What could she be doing in there? I knocked, I called her name and I got no answer. I opened the door and there she was…cuddled on the floor staring at a … was that a razor? How the fuck did she get that? "Bella…" I approached her cautiously….how the fuck did this happen? She was doing things exactly like me…only backwards. Goddamnit, someone has a sick sense of humor "What are you doing honey?"

"I don't know" she looked up at me and it broke my heart. I would have expected to see pain, to see defeat, to see anguish, but this…this was something I couldn't even name. She was so lost inside her mind, her whole expression was blank, but still held so much emotion.

"Honey, let's get you out of here, please…let's go so you can get changed" I was surprised when she didn't put up a fight. I took the razor from her and cradled her in my arms. I finally got her in the bedroom told her to change and left…she was safe in there nothing she could hurt herself with.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" I went back in only to find her wearing that same towel…

"Where are my clothes?"

"Um…in the trash. I could have taken them to the laundry but Bella, they were ruined. You couldn't wear them anymore so Alice brought you some of her stuff-"

"Why?"

"Well I told you -"

"No Edward! Why did you save me?" it was like a slap in the face "Why didn't you let me die?"

I couldn't believe my ears…she was contesting the only thing I had done right in my life.

"Bella…you wanted to be saved. You were not meant to die. Otherwise I wouldn't have found you"

"But don't you see Edward? That is just it! I WAS meant tot die….time and time again. And every time someone saved me and sacrificed themselves in the end! I can't do this anymore! I don't deserve to live! I have nothing else _but_ my life and I don't deserve it! Not when they are dead. Not when they died for me!"

"Those clothes were all I had left Edward. The only thing left that was mine! I have nothing! I have no one!" She threw away her towel and was standing naked before me

"This is all I have Edward! This is me…that's it…and I should be rotting six feet under by now! I should have 24 years ago, I should have 6 months ago…I should have the other night…ME not them….nothing…I have nothing…I am nothing!"

I stared at her with my mouth open. I know I shouldn't have noticed, but hey, I'm a man. She was beautiful. To say she was hot would be an insult. Not because she wasn't, it was just that she was too good for words. I snapped out of it and I took the sheet from the bed, covered her with it and holding her to me "Shh Bella, you have me now, you're not alone and you never will be again"

She cried herself out until she fell asleep in my arms on the floor. She kept talking while I was trying to soothe her all the while she kept mumbling something that sounded like: "don't deserve…nothing left…daddy…colors" over and over again.

I was in for the ride of my life. In the span of 48 days everything changed, but oddly enough, I wouldn't have it any other way.

**A/N: I apologize for the bad grammar, and the lack of editing, but I just wanted to get his out as soon as possible. I kept you guys waiting long enough. And thanks again for all of your support. It means a lot to me. **


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